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    « A bitter person... | Main | Mindfulness »

    If it hurts don't call love


    Love never hurts...

    It's denying love that hurts. It's not letting yourself love that hurts. Love only and always feels good.
    If it doesn't feel good, it's not love -- it's frustrated desire.

    We hear a lot about conditional and unconditional love.
    I think conditional love is a flawed concept. Love is either unconditional or it's not really worth calling it love. It's fondness, or affection or more likely "wishing someone would be the way I like them to be so that I could be happier..." If that's love, it's a selfish love.

    What is conditional is whether I can get along with someone, whether I can depend on someone, whether I can accept or allow or appreciate someone. Those things are different than love. They are about compatibility.

    Loving someone means fully appreciating and supporting who they are -- not for oneself, but for them. It means wanting them to find what's best for them.

    And it's not demanding they do that so that "I can feel better." It's wanting them to find what's best for them regardless of what else we may want for ourselves.

    Love doesn't mean we forget our own needs. We ought to love ourselves as much as we love another. It is entirely appropriate that we put our own needs first regarding our own well-being. Love shouldn't demand sacrifices, on either person's part.

    Partnership might require compromise, or tradeoffs, but love doesn't make any demands.

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